The Ultimate Performance Solution
So, you just dropped your kid's college fund on a powerful new supercharger system. You blew your retirement money on a built motor. You pawned your spouse's jewelry and clothes for a suspension kit. Yet, somehow, you can't get your awesome and powerful Mustang to run any faster than a 13-second quarter mile and you get lapped by old ladies in Mini Coopers at the road course. In the old days, there was basically nothing you could do about this situation while you looked up "How to do a burn out" on Yahoo! Answers, while shopping for a new clutch that your burned out at your last track day, but we here at Stage 3 have the solution: the Mustang Driver Mod.
Direct Bolt-On Replacement for your Driver
Our complete Driver Mod System (DMS for short) replaces the weakest aspect of your Pony with a complete, autonomous way to get better times at the track. The DMS is a fully bi-pedal, sentient, humanoid life form that replaces that sad, flubbery creature behind the wheel of your Mustang with a capable control system. The DMS actually understands things like "power-band," "shift points," "heel-and-toe driving", and manual transmissions in general which makes it far superior to your OE driver system. Stage 3's DMS is a comprehensive overhaul of your Mustang's current inadequate driver mechanism that can shave at least
a second off your Mustang's quarter mile times and make it a star performer on your local road course -- all while you watch from the bleachers and chomp down on a chili dog.
Easy Install and Operation
The Stage 3 Motorsports DMS kit is extremely easy to install and will fit into your Mustang's factory seats and those awesome aftermarket racing seats that you barely fit in and don't use to their full potential. The Driver Mod System can fully grip your steering wheel while expertly operating your Pony's transmission and monitoring its essential engine functions. The DMS is compatible with basically any model year and any Mustang performance part available on the aftermarket (except certain air fresheners. See notes below) and is rated for up to 1,000 horsepower applications. The DMS is equally capable on the drag strip or road course. Each DMS comes with three fire suits, a race helmet, driving shoes, deodorant, toothbrush and toothpaste, one 64oz bottle of water for hydration and/or urination, and crackers. All you need to provide is housing, up to three meals a day, some sort of toilet system, and the occasional love and affection. The DMS will do the rest and give your Pony what your original driver system utterly failed to provide.
Shipping Note: the Stage 3 Driver Mod ships via Greyhound bus and may take several days/weeks to arrive at your location. Tracking information will not be available. We will contact you when your DMS arrives at your local Greyhound station. As with all orders here at Stage 3, shipping is free.
Air Fresheners: the DMS is not compatible with pine-scented air fresheners. Use of these devices may cause lackluster performance of your DMS or the complete breakdown of its central nervous system.
Storage and Care: for housing or long-term storage, temperatures should only range from 70 to 80 degrees Fahrenheit (21.1 to 26 degrees Celsius) to prevent damage and promote optimum performance. We strongly recommend allowing your DMS to sleep at least six hours a night and that you feed it 2000 to 3000 calories per day in a balanced diet, depending on activity levels. The DMS will require up to eight cups of water a day. Access to a toilet and/or well-maintained litter box is recommended. The DMS responds best to positive reinforcement with cookies, sweets, or alcohol.
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All right, the jig's up. Happy April Fool's everyone. Back to business. Thanks to whomever put up those reviews, you're awesome! We'll leave the page up for posterity's sake, and so you can make fun of anyone who probably needs a Driver Mod.